Do I love it ? Do I need it? Can it make me money?

The hyper-organized mom, with a holstered label-maker, asks this of every object in her home.

This week on Wife Swap, she traded places with a pirate.

The pirate had B.O., and said Arr! as an intensifier; Tidy Mom made the husband-pirate shave his beard, wear a suit and work in an office.

Tidy Mom would not sleep in the house for the fleas.

They showed a big old dog sadly gnawing at his flea- bitten haunches.

Tidy Mom’s daughter made a list for the pirate and it said, among other things, Use deodorant.

The pirate kids had to clean their rooms, using the three-fold criteria.

For every single thing? the pirate’s daughter asked, incredulously.

You can guess how it went.

There was anger, then reluctant happiness (Cap’n Slappy visited and the Tidy Mom’s daughter was clearly enamoured of him,) then a sort of resolution.

The lusty pirates put “seashells and stuff” in the plastic bins that Tidy Mom left. The Tidy Family say Arr! sometimes.

But no one helped the dog.

There were so many tears shed, there was real rage and principled defiance.

He just flattened himself to the wall as hundreds of parasites crawled into his ears and genitals, his eyes mucked shut.

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